Final-ly

My brain is mush. These finals are killing me. I’ve got one left. One measly final. Art History. I am ready to rock this thing. And take copious naps afterwards. Ree and I rented a study room together, it’s got couches, bean bags, computers, a tv, it’s pretty awesome. And we’ve been practically living in this thing for the past two weeks. However, it’s been a double edged sword, because it doesn’t have cell phone service. Thank God for iMessages, but my mom thinks I’m avoiding her calls.

But, Reagan (hottie intern) has been texting me pretty regularly. Which doesn’t suck. He goes to the other college in town. He is a junior. He’s a marketing major. He’s so funny. And he texts me every morning. Which kind of makes me melt. He and I have FaceTime’d a few times, and Fran didn’t lie. The boy is attractive.

We’ve made plans to get dinner the day after tomorrow. He’s already done with all his finals, but he’s hanging out to finish his internship. And the day after tomorrow is his final day with Fran. He says they really get along, and she’s asked him to come back next semester. So, he must be smart. Which I kind of assumed, since he has such good grammar when we text. I judge stuff like that...

---

After my last final, I crashed. Hard. And the next day, I basically did everything a girl would do, get a pedicure, manicure, blow out, do fun makeup. Luckily, Ree was totally on the ball about this, and was ready to help me out. She and I just had a fun girls day to celebrate being done with school! She was going to Chet’s family’s house the day after Christmas, and she is going skiing with them the following day until it’s time for her to come back to campus. I just still can’t really grasp this whole Chet thing. He’s just too hot and cold for me. Like even now, that they’re truly together, he still will fall off the planet for days at a time. She says she doesn’t mind because it gives her time to do what she needs to, but like, I’d at least like to know you’re thinking about me. Geez!

Reagan offered to pick me up at my dorm, which I thought was very sweet. It’s hard to find a guy who will not just say “meet me here” when you’re on a first date.  I was totally a mess when he text me that he was turning on to campus. He called shortly after, and I gave him directions to my door. He told me when he was outside. I made my way outside, totally a wreck. And there he was. Standing outside his car in some very handsome dark wash jeans, an oxford shirt, and saddle oxford shoes. He looked good. I suddenly worried my skinny jeans, riding boots, and chunky sweater weren’t enough.

He walked up to me confidently. “You look fantastic, Kathleen!” He kissed my cheek, and hugged me.

I blushed like a fool, thank God it was kind of dark. “Thank you! You look very handsome. Thanks for picking me up.”

He was ushering me around to the passenger door. “Of course! Thank you for making time for me. I knew your last few days have been a mess.”

We settled into the ride quietly. It was weird sitting with someone that I spoke to so regularly, having never seen him. Oh my goodness, though. Total. Gentleman. As we began driving, he headed past downtown, and to Highlands. I began to freak. Highlands, while home to mostly underemployed youths, it home to also some fancy restaurants, such as Highlands Grill and Botega. We were not at a Botega date yet. At all! Luckily, he pulled into Taj Inda. A rather casual Indian place that I love! Mainly because I could eat naan all day every day.

“I love Taj!” I squealed.

“A little Frannie may have mentioned your deep seeded love of naan. And hammered copper cups.” He winked. Oh gosh. The wink. This was gonna be a good night folks. Good! Night!

Taj India is not a large place. So any place we were to sit was going to be intimate. We were settled into a two person table in the back corner. We settled in and ordered drinks.

“You did well, Reagan.” He laughed. I suddenly felt insecure and gave a weird face. This only made him laugh more.

“I only get called Reagan at work or when I’m in trouble. My friends call me Rea.”

I felt better, but quickly corrected him. “My best friends is Ree. You can’t be Rea. We’re gonna have to change your name.” I quipped.

He laughed. “How about this, you can call me Sexy.”  We both bust out in laughter.

Dinner went on without a hitch. Honestly, it was like we had known each other for years. I am normally painfully awkward on first dates. And granted, I had moments, like when I couldn’t feel out if he was being sarcastic or not. But honestly, it wasn’t hard at all. We just meshed. It was nice.

After dinner, he asked if I wanted dessert. “Oh boy, I could always eat dessert.”

“Okay, we’ll go to Steel City Pops. Want to go to the Summit or Homewood?”

“NO!” I squealed. “That’s too far away! Let’s just go into the Western, get some goodies and hang out.”

He laughed. “I don’t mind. It gives me an excuse to keep you captive longer.”

“Please! I really want Little Debbie cakes...” I made puppy dog eyes.

“Well, with a face like that.” He pulled me in for a hug. “Come on, let’s get you a Zebra Cake, and we can watch a movie at my apartment.” My eyes kind of popped out of my head. Was I read for this? Luckily, he read my fear. “It’s okay. Both my roommates are already home for the break. No pressure from the peanut gallery.” Oh, he read that concern wrong...

I nodded, and was suddenly headed towards his downtown newly renovated loft complex. Oh goodness.

Good distraction

God Bless Uncle Wayne. I know I’ve told y’all before that he is a bit of a yes man. That’s always been the case. Mary wears the pants in their house. It’s just how it is. He’s the sweetest, most pleasant, kindest man. And he found the pushiest, most overbearing, most outgoing woman to marry. Together they make this loveable pair that you can’t help but fawn over. And they created three gorgeous children. They’re really the best.

But, occasionally Uncle Wayne gets to the bottom of the whiskey handle, and we all reap the benefits. The man is like a man possessed when he is drunk. And it’s very rare. But it happens. He is a riot. He will mock Mary’s obsession with Beta. He will make fun of the fact that Ginny can’t keep her hair the same style or color for more than a week. She has an identity crisis, because Mary wouldn’t let her be herself until 23, he says. Ha! However, the real fun started when he went in on Vince, in front of his new lady. Jessa. Poor, beautiful, charmed Jessa. Jessa’s father is a finance director for a large manufacturing plant. Vince does something with oil. And Wayne looked at Vince intently.  “Son, she’s awfully pretty. You’re gonna need a raise to keep her. She’s the kind you have to beg to stay. She’ll find someone better. Someone not as annoying. You better mind your manners on this one!”

Jessa about fell out of her chair. Luckily, she found this whole thing hilarious and endearing. Thank god! My dad was trying to shut Wayne up, by talking football. It didn’t help a bit. He just kept right on. Mary, who was too busy telling me about what she had cooked up for spring recruitment practices, did not seem to mind at all. She was totally oblivious when Wayne went on his tirades. I’m wondering if it is not by design.

After dinner, Vince came over to talk to me, since Fran and Ginny had Jessa cornered. “I wonder what kind of third degree the poor girl is getting over there?” He nodded his head in the girls direction.

“Probably something along the lines of, ‘get out now. He’s nuts. And he is a terrible shot.’” Fran and Ginny always give Vince a hard time because he’s an awful marksman. Most of my family, myself included, is a decent shot. Vince couldn’t hit the wide side of a barn. I don’t care much for guns or hunting, so I don’t mind that he’s not the best shot. But his sisters do not let him live it down.

“Look, I am good looking. I can’t help it I don’t have all the makings for a genetic jackpot.”

I laughed. “We will try to be a little easier on you.”

“So, how’s the semester rounding out? You’re about to start finals, how’s that going?”

I kind of chuckled. “I’ve been spending a lot of time in the library. I hope I’m ready. I’m lucky that I’ve suddenly got a lot of free time to focus.”

He sighed. “Kid, things will get better. You’ll find someone else. Sometimes these things aren’t meant to happen.”

“I suppose. I just wish I could tell him I’m sorry.”

“He knows.” He hugged me. “But, on a more serious note. Fran has this intern. He’s twenty. And Fran and Ginny think he’s attractive. And he may have seen your picture on her desk, and said you were cute.”

I blushed. “No this did not happen!”

“Yes! I was on the phone, on speaker, when he said it. He didn’t realize I was on the line. I laughed and then he got embarrassed and apparently ran out.”

“Someone finding me attractive is funny?”

“Well, you are kind of goofy looking, kid. It’s not like you didn’t already know.” He punched at my shoulder.

After that, Jessa came over and told Vince she was ready for bed. They went up to bed, and Fran and Ginny joined me, as I picked at the cake we’d made.

“So, tell me about this intern who is in love with me.” I laughed at Fran.

“Vince would tell you that! He’s such a guy.”

“I just thought it was a bit offensive that he laughed!”

Ginny looked confused, so Fran filled her in. “Oh my gosh! Fran! Give him her number!”

“You mind?” Fran asked.

“Sure. Why not? I could always use a good distraction.”

Let the Crazy Show

Sometimes, thing seem easier in your mind than they are in practice, like going to Theta. That seemed easy enough in my cute little head. When the rest of my body joined-chaos.

Gwen and Yvonne were still out, so Harriett came rushing from Chet’s fraternity house to get me. She looked at me with sad, big, eyes. “Do you want to stay out or go in?”

“I am determined to have fun. Take me to Chet!” I was trying to muster as much fake enthusiasm as I could. I knew this was pleasing Ree, so I tried my damnedest to be into this.

When we walked in, Chet was sitting with two of his buddies on a couch. It looked like they were playing some card game. Ree coughed loudly to get the boys attention.

With that, the stood up and offered up their seats. Chet introduced his two friends, Will and Willie. That won’t be confusing. God bless the WASPs and their undying love to such a limited selection of names. And after the introductions, the boys quickly dealt us into their game, which I still don’t understand. Shockingly, I lost terribly both the rounds I played. Thus, I got hammered. Like stumble home drunk hammered.

Ree sweetly took me to bed, and I woke up with a hangover to rival all hangovers. I hadn’t drank much in several weeks. I’d been too afraid. I’m a drunk crier when I’m upset. Oh gosh. I had cried. To Rich. This would certainly get back to Mark when he returned. Oh Lord, I can only imagine. “Dude, that girl lost it. She must be bananas over you.” I can just hear it now.

This just amplified my hangover, and I started to cry more. When does this end? I finally went back to bed, hoping that would be the end of that.

I woke up a few hours later. I put myself together and went to the library. I had some finishing touches to put on my papers, and some serious studying to log before I left for break.

Thanksgiving, we were staying in Birmingham. It was Mary’s year to host the family. Mom and Dad were staying at the Embassy Suite, and I was staying with Ginny at her apartment. Fran, Ginny and I were going to make a cake. It was kind of a tradition. Every year we all got together and made the dessert for Thanksgiving. One year we got really ambitious and made a homemade cheese cake. We will never do that again.

Also, Franny and Ginny’s brother Vince was bringing home his girlfriend for the first time. He lived out in Texas somewhere, so we don’t see him often. But he is pretty smitten with this girl. It’s really adorable. He’s never been like this. I kind of think she’s it. If they had been dating more than 4 months, I might think he would propose.  But it’s too soon. He always said you have to make the girl wait at least 18 months. He said after a year, they’ll start to let their crazy show. And that gives you time to flesh out if you like their crazy enough to stick it out.

As I thought about this, I reflected on myself. I let my crazy show pretty early, I’d say. 3-4 months, I was already well on the crazy train. And at this rate, I wasn’t leaving anytime soon. I’d always prized myself in being collected. My high school friends used to mention how uncomplicated I was. I think that was just my lack of passion, looking back. I didn’t really like much about high school. I didn’t like my classes, I didn’t care about my hometown much, I didn’t really care one way or another about Kenny. I didn’t have anything to act crazy about, because I wasn’t crazy over anything. I just was.

I guess I’m glad I found something to be crazy about. But now, I needed to focus that energy into something more worthwhile. Like my studies. And finishing my application to be Beta Nu Philanthropy chair. Slate was going to pick the potential officers the week after we got back from Thanksgiving. Mom and Fran had both been philanthropy chair, they said it’s a good starting position. You get to meet everyone and become fully immersed in it. Which is what I need. Immersion. Diversion. All the –versions.

Progress, or something like it.

School really picks up around Thanksgiving. I’ve got three papers, two take home exams and one practical until Thanksgiving break. Luckily, we’ve got the entire week off for Thanksgiving, I’ve got a big week of plans with my friends from high school scheduled. Family stuff will start Thursday, and then I’m coming back to campus Saturday night, so I can spend all day Sunday hammering away at my school work.

Leslie stopped by my room earlier in the week. She said her dad is making strides every day. He’s even returned to work part time. They hope he’ll be full steam by the new year. She’s clearly hurting. I can see it in her eyes. I can also tell she’s not telling me anything. Mostly from my asking. She started to mention Mark one day, and I stopped her. I just can’t handle it honestly. But, when she came by she asked me to a Beta Family outing. We were going to visit the Birmingham Zoo. I was a sucker for zoos. She said everyone else was free on Saturday, so I happily agreed.

It was nice to get off of campus. It’s easy to get trapped in the campus sphere and not quite get a handle on the outside world. And I loved very little more than I loved zoos. My favorite part of the Birmingham Zoo is the giraffe experience. You can feed a giraffe! How awesome is that?

Yvonne was cracking up as the giraffe’s long, dark tongue darted out at her. “This is like the grossest thing, but it’s so fun!”

Nina had a penchant for being crude, and quickly chimed in with “that’s what she said.” Everyone weakly laughed. Is it just me, or is that joke not a little over played?

After the zoo, we stopped into Starbucks. I refuse to let myself enjoy a warm chai latte until after November 1^st, it’s like a secret joy I have. This was my first one of the year. And I couldn’t have been more excited. Yvonne and I sat down while the others ordered.

“Rich misses you.” She smiled.

“I miss Rich. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA lately. After you guys effectively took me off babysitters watch, I just wanted to be alone. I think it helped. I am ready to carry on. Thanks for being patient.”

“Girl, it’s no trouble. I mean, I’m a very good friend. I gave Ashley permission to date Allen, I’m letting you cope. Geez, I deserve a humanitarian award of some sort.” She snorted.

“Most humble. Definitely most humble!”

After the zoo trip, Yvonne told me she and Gwen were going to see a movie, but I declined. I see movies as an expensive nap. Because let’s be honest, those leaning chairs can be awfullllly comfy.

My dad and I never really spoke on the phone. I was a totallllll daddy’s girl, but he hates the phone. He doesn’t even have a smart phone. He has an old school, black and white screened Nokia. The man lives in the dark ages. So, I thought with all my alone time, I’d call him and catch up. To say he was shocked is an understatement. We literally talked about everything. He told me about Frances’ new toys. His new project at work. He’s in finance and he’s trying to broker a deal with a large local employer for their 401k. I’m sure he’ll get the account. He’s really an impressive trader. I wish I had his knack for numbers. I’ve just got his asymmetrical nose. He asked about my classes, we talked about my plan of attack for finishing out the semester. He really just kind of screwed my head on about the final push.

After feeling refreshed and refocused, I asked Leslie what she was doing. She said that she, Luke, and a few other people were going down to the Theta a house and going to watch a football game. She offered me a seat next to her on the couch if I wanted to go, so I decided to face my fears. I was going to go to the Theta house.

I walked in, and I felt like I was coming home. But to a home my parents had moved away from many years prior. Like I knew that place, but it wasn’t any longer mine. Like it wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

Just then, Rich saw me and flagged me down. He came up and hugged me in a huge bear hug. “I didn’t know you were coming! Yvonne’s out with Gwen! She’s gonna hate she missed you!” He paused. “I’m so glad you’re back.” He kissed my cheek, like a loving brother.

Just then, I broke into tears. “I don’t know if I can do this!” I wailed. Rich rushed me into a bedroom of his friend before I made even more of a scene.

Where is my mind?

Harriet and Ashley kind of forcefully made me stay with them for the first few days after Mark left. I promised myself that I wouldn’t try to interfere with whatever kind of treatment he was having, so I kept to myself. Leslie understood my want to be detached, so she didn’t bring him up much.

I was being doted on at an exceptional level. Even my mom came up during the week and stayed with Aunt Mary and they took me shopping and out to eat. If I was occupied, I wasn’t terribly upset. I missed him, sure. But I knew that whatever was happening was for the best.

I had missed all the Halloween festivities, but it was okay. I wasn’t in much of a party mood. I’d stayed at Mary’s house and handed out candy to her trick or treaters. She claimed she appreciated the help. I think she was just kind of telling me whatever I wanted to hear.

I’d really been on top of my school work. I came in from class, studied, ate, and slept. I wasn’t even going to the social Beta things. I was going to the mandatory things, but I was just going through the motions.

Honestly, I felt to blame for Mark’s problems. I was the one who left him when he was so upset about his dad. I was the one who practically begged him to dump me the second time. I was not making adequate time for him, or being nice when we did see each other. I was definitely a catalyst in this situation. At night, I’d have dreams that he was chasing me, yelling about how I ruined his life. The guilt ate away at me constantly when I had down time.

If I’m being totally introspective, I am kind of thankful things ended like this. I mean yes, I feel awful. Yes, I’m sorry this is happening to Mark. But! I’m glad I finally had a sustainable out. I’ve always been the weak of heart. My mom pesters me about it all the time. It’s why I’m such a yo-yo with Kenny. I’m too afraid to be alone. I’m too afraid to figure myself out. I don’t like admitting that because it’s hard. It kind of makes me feel even worse. But, now. Now, I’ve got this solid bye. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up and he left school because he was depressed. I can’t go back to him. I won’t; I don’t want to stifle his progress.

All that said, I loved him. But not how he needed me to love him. I loved him in a weak way. A superficial way. A way in that I liked fitting in. A way in that I enjoyed his company. A way in that it was nice to have a built in caretaker and buddy on almost any adventure. I am afraid of living life for me, by myself. Maybe this as good a time as ever to finally step out and step up. I’m going to become me. I’m going to search for what I want. Be what I need.

 

I told myself that I’d done all these things after Kenny and I broke up. However, I made it glaringly untrue when I went right back to him. He isn’t what I need. I need to be a self-sufficient, hardworking, focused, driven, thoughtful, careful, beautiful woman.

**Sorry the post is a little shorter, but it was by design. I just can't imagine putting this into a longer post with other information. I just wanted everyone to have a clear image of where our girl's head was at.**

Unwell

After I left Mark’s room, I was determined not to be sad or weird or whatever. I wallowed for exactly 30 minutes. I allowed myself that. Then, I did what any grieving girl would do, I went to the library and studied and studied and studied. I left at 11pm, not having eaten dinner. I went back to my room, took a shower, and went to bed. The next morning, the library was closed when I woke up, so I went for a run. Ha! A run! I ran over 4 miles. Mind you I hadn’t run since I was in high school and they made you run in PE.

I showered and collected my school things and went back to the library. Around 1pm, I got a text from Yvonne.

I’ve been by your room a couple of times. Rich said Mark came over last night pretty upset. Wanna talk?

Nope. I’m good. Just studying. Thanks though!

If I let in the idea of wallowing or talking it out, it would certainly create a situation I didn’t want to be in. I would then have to look at what happened and dissect it. I didn’t want to do that. At all. I stayed in the library until it closed at 6. Mind you it was Saturday, so I was basically the only person in there.

When I got to my room, Yvonne was waiting outside the door. “How long have you been sitting here?” I asked with a lot of judgment.

“On and off all day.” She nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders.

I opened the door and let her in. “Something up?” I questioned, playing dumb.

“Oh no. Not really. Mark just called Rich saying he needed a guy’s night last night, and then Rich came in this morning saying you two broke up. So no, not anything...” She gave me a mean stank eye.

“Look,” I said matter-of-factly, “I am done. I don’t want to make a big deal of this. Do I love Mark? Of course. Is this going to work between us? Obviously not. So, it’s in my best interest to move on.”

“With Kenny?” Her eyes were curious.

When she said Kenny, it kind of broke my heart. I wasn’t really interested in Kenny a few weeks ago when he came around. I wasn’t. It was just convenient. But I can see how people think this is now about Kenny. Honestly, I don’t want him. He isn’t for me. He’s a fine guy, but he’s boring. I need someone else. “No. With myself.”

Yvonne looked at me weakly. “Why didn’t you tell any of us what was going on?”

“Because lately I’ve been such a mess. I was just sick of being the girl with constant boy drama. And I needed to get over this. By myself. For myself. With myself.”

“Mark told Rich he regrets what he said.” She went from being sad to hopeful.

“I wish you hadn’t said that. Because it still doesn’t change anything. And he hasn’t reached out to me. I’m going to move on. Next weekend is all the Halloween parties. I’ll go with Ree, and we can hang out with Chet and his friends. I’ll make it work.”

“Rich and I aren’t going to take sides. You can still hang out with us!”

“Where? At the Theta house? With Leslie, Mark, and Luke? Yeah, that’ll be lovely. I already told Leslie what happened. She didn’t even answer my text. I’m sure you guys will be fine without me.”

“Leslie’s in a weird spot. She loves you both. Be considerate.”

“Whatever. I’m not mad at her. Or Mark. I’m mad at myself. I created this. I need to fix it. I need to carryon. This is over. I’m devastated. But I can’t let myself be a mess. I’ve got to get up, move on, and be a big kid.”

Just then, Luke knocked on the not entirely closed door, opening it himself. Great. Just what I needed. I shot him a mean, yet equally exasperated look. “Can I help you?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know, Kathleen. I mean we’re all pretty upset at you. Dumping Mark, again!”

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I did not! He did this. This is on him.”

Luke visibly balked. “Kathleen, he’s walking around. A mess. I’m sure he wouldn’t do this to himself.”

I was mad. “Oh, and you guys aren’t even the slightest bit to blame? You’re not initiating him with all his pledge brothers!”

“No one ever said he wasn’t getting initiated on time...” He thought seriously. “Oh shit! We were all mad at them at chapter, because they didn’t clean up the party room very well. I said something to the effect of ‘Who is in charge of this crap? He better watch it. He certainly isn’t getting initiated at this rate!’ Oh gosh! I can’t believe!”

Yvonne sat up. “I’m going to get Rich to get to the bottom of this. Something weird is going on. Like seriously.”

Luke walked me to Leslie’s room in the sorority house. “You two girls have a nice night to yourselves, okay? Rich is talking to Mark. We’ll figure out what’s wrong. He’s not himself.” And with that, he left Leslie and I in silence.

Leslie and I commiserated over wanting to know what was wrong with Mark. We put behind us the fact that she thought I had broken his heart. Again. She didn’t call me out for flaking. We just sat and talked through all the little things we noticed.

Rich called my phone around midnight. “Kathleen, I am not doctor, but he’s depressed. He flies off the handle, but he’s too exhausted to act out on it. I’m calling his parents.”

“No, let me and Leslie call them. We’ll be over there in a minute. Rich, I appreciate you doing this for me. I know I’m not your favorite person right now.”


We called his parents, they agreed he needed to see someone. He was seen by a psychologist the next morning, who suggested he go to a psychiatrist. The doctors told him at his first meeting to take a break from all the things that were adding undo stress to him. He went on medical leave from school, he suspended his pledgeship, and moved back home. He told Leslie to tell me that he needed this time to focus on himself, and he'd call me when and if he thought we could figure things out. And when he wasn't so disoriented.


It's been a week. I've never felt more confused and alone.

Date Averted

Leslie called me Thursday night, “Leeeetllle!” She wailed into the receiver.

“Big!” I responded just as annoyingly. “How’s it going?”

“Just finished studying for my physiology practical in the morning. If I have to touch that damn cat again I’m going to lose it.” She laughed kind of manically. I could tell it was partly true.

I sighed. “What are you going to do when you get your actual cadaver in med school?”

She exhaled loudly into the phone. “I don’t want to think about it. Look, how about you, me, Luke and Mark go out tomorrow night? Mark keeps saying he’s going to mention it to you, but clearly he’s sucked thus far. So I’m taking matters into my own hands.”

I laughed. Mark didn’t have the best follow through sometimes. I could sympathize. “I’d love to. Just text me about time and place. Mark is the pickier of us, and you know what he will and won’t eat.”

After we hung up, I laid in bed and read crappy books. Mark said he was going to come over and spend the night after he finished up at the fraternity house. Since his dad was better and at home, they’d kind of flung him full force back into Pledge Class President stuff. He’d been staying there until 1am or later some nights.

Around 11pm I was getting kind of restless. Hey sweetheart. I’m going to bed. Feel free to come over whenever you’re finished. Love you!

He responded quickly. Headed your way now. Just getting in the car.

About ten minutes later, Mark walked through the door looking exceptionally worn out. “What’s up, buttercup?” I kissed his cheek.

“Long. Night.” was all he offered as he took off his jeans and settled into the bed. He didn’t really seem interested in talking or cuddling. He slid his back to mine. I tried not to think much of it as I dozed off to sleep with his back hitting mine as his breath slowed while drifting off.

The next morning, I woke up to notice he was in the extra (Candace’s old) bed. I had a spare sheet set I put on it after she left to make it look less barren. I couldn’t figure out what his deal was. He was usually so attentive and loving. I started slamming drawers and making commotion around 8am, to be spiteful.

“You mind?” He groggily snipped.

“You can sleep in your own room, you know? If I’m such a bother to be around.”

That woke him up. “Dammit Kathleen. Stop it. I’m tired. Why are you pushing every last button I’ve got?”

“Because ever since Monday you’ve barely spoken to me. I am sick of being treated like a second class citizen. Either start opening up to me or leave.”

He huffed. “That’s ironic coming from you. Look, I’m having a rough week with pledge stuff. You wouldn’t understand. Nor is it really your concern.”

I pulled the top sheet off him, leaving him to shiver almost immediately. “Then please leave.” I pointed to the door, as if he was too dumb to see it.

He put on his jeans and trotted out. When the door closed behind him, I broke down into tears and got right back into bed. Where I stayed until about 3pm. Leslie sent me a text, jolting me out of my Grey’s Anatomy bender.

Hey girl. Mark told me you two were going to have to bail on tonight L Let me know when you want to reschedule.

Sure thing. Thanks, Leslie. Have fun with Luke!

I was kind of numb and fuming at the same time. I was so totally pissed off, but I also just didn’t care. I shot up out of my bed, and marched over to Mark’s dorm room. I knocked incessantly until I heard Mark turning the lock.

He looked awful. His face was sunken; his eyes blood shot, and his breathing short. “Hey,” was really all he could say.

“Mark, what’s going on? Why are you cancelling plans, being mean, and yelling? You look miserable. What’s the deal?”

He sighed as he sat down on his bed, I stood in front of him, refusing to back down. “It’s a lot.”

“Then I’ve got time to listen.”

“Kathleen, I’m really mad at you. I’m mad at you, I’m mad at Theta, I’m mad at Leslie. I’m mad at my parents. I’m just mad. You’ve all betrayed me. You’ve all dumped on me. You’re all treating me like crap.”

“What have we done?” I asked stupidly. I obviously knew what I had done.

“Well, you go sleep with Kenny the first chance you get. Leslie doesn’t talk to me anymore. She treats me like I’m your boyfriend, not her brother. The Thetas are not going to initiate me with the rest of the pledges because I missed too much stuff with my dad. My parents put me in this situation, but I can’t tell my dad his wreck caused all these crappy things for me. But they did. Kathleen, my life was charmed. Dammit, I even made a 75 on a test this week. I’m not with it.” He punched his bed in frustration.

“I wish I could take back what I did. I wish I could take back what happened with your father. I wish I could fix this, but life happens.”

This didn’t help. He only got redder in the face. “No! Stop! Kathleen, please leave. I don’t think we need to be talking now. I might say stuff I regret.”

My heart sank, but I wasn’t going to let this die. “Stuff like what? That you think we’re better off without each other? That you’re not happy anymore?”

He shot me the nastiest look. “Yes, stuff like that. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted? You want me to break up with you to wipe the slate clean? So you can have Kenny? You know what... Go on. I don’t care. I wish I did. I wish I loved you enough for the both of us, but I don’t. Kathleen, you left me the minute my mom cried to you in the cafeteria of the hospital. I saw the switch flip in your eyes. You saw a weak family. A family you couldn’t be a part of. I tried to combat it, by being extra sweet. But that didn’t mean anything to you. You didn’t want it. So, this is me telling you goodbye.”

I cried out, “You don’t mean it!” I was hit with sobs. “You don’t mean what you’re saying. You are stressed out. I love you! You know that! I want this to work! What can I do to prove this to you?”

“Leave me alone.” He was solemn. “They say if you love something you let it go, and if it’s meant to be it’ll come back to you. Let’s hope for everyone’s sake this is the last trip on the merry-go-round for us. Goodbye.” He practically pushed me out the door.

I text Leslie, while tears ran down my face. I don’t think we’ll be making up our dinner plans. Mark and I just broke up

Girls Night In

Tuesday night all the girls, me, Gwen, Ree, Yvonne, and Ashley, decided to have a sleep over in my room. As I now had the room all to myself, I had tons of space I had yet to figure out how to occupy. I’d told my parents this was a perfect reason to bring precious Frances back to school with me. They didn’t agree. Apparently a dorm is no place to raise a dog. Who knew?

Ashley had just told her coach that she would not be playing the following year, as she was burned out. Her coach did nothing short of groveling to keep her on the roster. I may be biased, but I am glad Ashley quit. She was missing out on too much fun. Yvonne had originally come to the school for golf, but she soon realized she didn’t want to play and quit the team before classes even started. They bonded over their slacker college athlete days.

Ree, Gwen and I were far from anything that could be remotely construed as athletic. I played tennis until 9^th grade. I went to the summer camp before school started for all the girls that had made the team. At team camp, everyone was so intense. It just wasn’t for me. I didn’t want to play at a college level, and I didn’t see the point in bringing down others who were looking for college funding. So, I quit, on the second day of camp. Kenny drove the 45 miles to pick me up (perks of having an older boyfriend-he could drive before all your friends). As I drove away from that ridiculous camp, I never felt more relieved. My parents were kind of mad I wasted a couple hundred dollars on a camp I never attended, but what was a girl to do? I gave them a sob story about following my destiny. I got a job as a lifeguard at the country club that summer to pay my parents back. It was much better than having to go to the awful camp, I assure you.

After we built a blanket fort, got the chilled Mad Dog out of the fridge and were settling in with our terrible snacks, we turned in for a night full of rom coms and teen movies on Netflix. We watched the classics. Pretty Woman, The Breakfast Club, you know... the usual suspects.

Between movies, while searching for more Sour Worms, Gwen announced she needed to go back to her room. We asked what was wrong. She was totally tongue tied, and kept blabbering without making a lick of sense. She fumbled, looking for her purse, and weeble-woobled out the door like a fool.

Ree was never mistaken for being diplomatic and didn’t waste a moment before the door closed to start in. “Really? Gwen bitches and moans about how we don’t ask her to hang out, and then she bolts like that.”

Yvonne, being more forgiving, stated, “I bet she’s going to see some guy. She said she and her boyfriend are having a rough patch. I bet she didn’t want to tell us.”

I laughed. “Like we’re the group to judge about making dumb decisions with boys?”

Ree and Ashley laughed. Yvonne balked. “Speak for yourself.”

Ree laughed even harder. “Oh yeah. Because Allen was such a good catch. She finds a boyfriend and all of a sudden she’s the princess of perfect relationships.” Even Yvonne laughed at that.  We spent the rest of the night making jokes about weird Allen. Bless his pea-picking heart.

On Wednesday, Ashley and I went to breakfast together, as the other girls had much more severe hangovers and intended on sleeping until they absolutely had to be in class.

“What’s so bad about Allen?” Ashley asked shyly.

“Nothing really, he’s just bizarre. He played hot and cold. And he just wasn’t a good fit with Yvonne. But, he’s not a terrible guy or anything.”

She nodded blankly. “Yeah, I guess not.”

I saw where this was going. “Care to share something with the class, ma’am?”

“Okay...” She sighed. “We hung out this weekend, everyone else was off campus. We mighhttttt have made out.”

“Do you like him?!” I spit out quickly.

“I think so.” She grinned stupidly.

“Ahh! I’m so excited! When are you seeing him again?!”

“Tonight. We’re going to Mugshots for burgers.”

“Have you told anyone else?”

“I’m afraid Yvonne might feel betrayed. I didn’t want to tell her until there was something to tell.”

“She isn’t that type. Plus she’s in luuuhhhhhhvvvveeee with Rich.” I cracked a smile.

“Oh yeah, because you’re so good at playing it cool with the King of Harts over there.” She pointed to Mark who was now walking towards our table in the café.

I laughed. “But he’s just so cute! And he has the tightest little butt!” I said the last bit loud enough for him to hear, and he turned beet red.

“Good morning to you, too, Kathleen.” Mark pecked me on the cheek as he walked past our table. And as quickly as he appeared, he left in search of a croissant, no doubt.

Homeward Bound

The weekend after initiation was fall break. We got Friday off, which basically meant nothing to me, as I already had Friday’s off. However, it still felt nice... Mark’s dad was finally settling in well, Mark and I were getting over our bump in the road, I was a Beta!!!  Gwen was hanging around more. Things were really coming together.

Mark and I sat in the library Wednesday night, we both were writing papers. “Hey.” I said quickly and forcefully to get his attention.

“What?” He barked.

I rolled my eyes. “Well, I was going to ask you to see if you wanted to come home with me this weekend, but never mind.” I crossed my arms, with all the southern sass I could muster.

He cocked his head and sighed. “I would love to. I’m sorry I snapped. I’m just worried about this assignment, and your attention span is like that of a gnat right now. How about you go back to my room and I’ll meet you there when I’m done?”

He had a point. I’d finished my paper about 20 minutes earlier, and I’d done nothing but aggravate him since. I nodded. “How about I just see you tomorrow? I’m going to bed. I’m beat. I’m leaving at 2. That’ll get us to the coast by 6:30. My parents are meeting us just outside of town for dinner.” He stood up as I packed up my things. He kissed my cheek, and I went to bed.

After class, I hustled to get all my bags packed and ready to go, and Mark met me by the front of my building. In his car. “What’s with the car?” I asked, my own keys in hand.

“Well, my car is bigger, and I like driving on the interstate. You know that. I figured you’d like a reprieve.”

While true, I didn’t know how we’d fair with him driving in my small, back woods small hometown. But I didn’t fight it, I just hopped in the car, and off we were.

Around 5pm Mark started to get restless. I offered to drive the rest of the way, but he said he just needed a coke and a chocolate bar to get him going. I gladly took any opportunity to buy gummies, and we were back on the road again. We had settled into the quiet ride nicely. I looked at him, happily munching away on his Snickers. “Hey, thanks for coming.” I said genuinely as I patted his knee.

He dropped the candy (GASP! I know!) and held my hand. “Thanks for asking me. I really am excited to see your mom again, and meet your dad.”

“And Frances!” I piped in.

“Yes, and the dog, too.” He knew I was crazy about my dog. She is a black lab, and the greatest girl there ever was. She’s the background on my phone, and half my facebook profile pictures include her. Only one so far has had Mark...

I directed Mark as we got closer to town. We were meeting my parents at this hole-in-the-wall, but delicious, seafood place. I had been craving gulf shrimp since the minute I left. We got there before my parents, so I went ahead and put our name on the list for a table. It was tiny, and almost always had a wait. We were finally seated, just as I saw my dad rounding the corner.

“Daddy!” I squealed. I ran over to him and gave him a big hug.

“Hey Pumpkin!” He kissed my cheek. “This Mark?” He shook his head in Mark’s direction.

“The one and only.” I smiled.

Mark, ever the gentleman, stuck his arm out to my father. “Mr. Hoover, so nice to meet you.”

My dad grinned, obviously impressed. “Same here, son. Now, let’s sit down. Your mother went to the ladies room, she’ll find us.” Dad clearly said to me.

As we settled into dinner, it honestly couldn’t have gone better. Yes, Mark wasn’t a Mississippi State fan like Dad had hoped, and no Dad wasn’t big into fishing like Mark. But, they really seemed to be getting along. Much better than Dad and Kenny ever did. After dinner, Mom told us she had made caramel cake and it was ready for us at home. I didn’t need to hear any more to be motivated to go home.

In the car, I debriefed Mark about what might happen when we get home. “Now, you’ve really impressed Dad, so keep up the good work! And he’ll undoubtedly show you his sports signature collection. It’s his thing. Act enthused. He can go on for a long time. And I’m not sure what room they’ll stick you in. My dad’s study has a bathroom connected, but the bed’s smaller. The guest room doesn’t have a door to the bathroom, but it’s closer to me. Just see what happens.”

Mark laughed. He clearly thought I was being a bit obsessive. But had he met me? I was as neurotic as they come...

Frances cuddled up to Mark immediately. She just laid her precious puppy head in his lap and never moved. It was so adorable it made me sick. Also ironic, as Frances could not have been the least bit concerned with Kenny despite his endless attempts to befriend her.

Finally, after cake and some extensive baseball card chats, it was time for bed. “Mom, where should Mark put his bags?”

She chuckled. “In your room?” She said it as if it were the only logical response. As if I’d asked the question millions of times previously and gotten the same response. I was floored.

“Right.” I nodded. Not wanting to disrupt whatever body snatcher had clearly taken my very southern, very proper mother.

After we put his things in my room, my dad called me down to the kitchen. I bounded down the stairs as Mark brushed his teeth and prepared for bed.

“Kathleen,” He looked at me somberly. “He is a really good kid. I’m glad you found him.” He kissed my cheek.

“Thanks, Dad. He’s been a real great guy.”

“Then treat him as such. None of this Kenny nonsense any more. You pick one.”

Ouch. I guess Dad had a point. Last time they saw me, Kenny was hot on my trail. “That was a  dumb thing I did. I know. Mark’s it, I think. I see him being it for a while. Or for as long as he’ll have me.”

Dad laughed. “Well, let’s hope it doesn’t wise up too soon.” I smacked his shoulder at the obvious insult.

“Thanks, Dad. Goodnight!”

Bonded

The week leading up to initiation, it was customary for all the pledges to stay the night at the sorority house, kind of like a bonding thing. We’d broken into three obvious groups. The girls who studied, ate, and went to bed early, the girls who stayed up all night watching movies, and the girls who were trying to find ways to sneak out.

Yvonne, Gwen and I found ourselves in the studying, eating and sleeping group. Because, well, I love my sleep. I told Mark I wouldn’t see him much, but he didn’t mind. He was so busy with PCP stuff, school, and his dad. He already knew Leslie was going to be my big, so he wasn’t totally shocked or surprised when I told him. Yvonne was having a harder time without seeing Rich much. Rich and Yvonne had coupled off, hard. And sometimes it was hard to find one without the other. I was glad to finally get her to herself. I did miss Ree throughout all this though. ODP wasn’t initiating until the following week, so we kept missing each other. However, I was glad to finally get to talk to Gwen more. I just didn’t want her to feel excluded. I knew how that felt, and it sucked. Being so shy, it’s easy to get tossed around, and I knew that.

“So, Gwen, how’s your super genius boyfriend? Are y’all still well?” Yvonne didn’t waste no time.

She kind of wobbled her head. “It’s been weird. I keep flirting with guys I know I shouldn’t, and I keep seeing pictures of him with girls in suggestive poses. I think we are both just too nice to break up. But we need to.”

I sighed. “I’m sorry. That sucks. Well, if you ever need a girls night, or a cheering up, give me a call. I’m always down for gummies, chick flicks, and wine.”

She agreed to call us more often, and we promised to invite her out. She seemed to be warming up a bit, but I couldn’t help but think something else was going on.

Being initiated on a Monday meant we’d slept at the sorority house since the previous Wednesday. We were about ready to kill one another. Luckily, as Sunday night rolled around we all were seeing light at the end of the tunnel. We had been asked not to go to any of the fraternity houses or parties over the weekend. With rare exception, we all just stayed in, watched movies and baked. The few girls who did venture out got caught and were read the riot act. They were even told they might not get initiated. I knew better than to try to sneak out. Ginny and Fran told me it was serious business.

Finally, initiation was upon me. I had earned my stripes. And felt like I could toss my cookies. I wasn’t nervous until everyone kept telling me not to be nervous. Do you know how nerve wracking that is? I just got tons of emails, texts, notes, etc about not being nervous. Well, you people aren’t helping me with that any!

We lined up outside the chapter room and were told to remain silent. And we did. As we walked in, I was scared out of my mind. And when it was over, I felt totally relieved. I had done it. I was a Beta Nu. No more “pledge,” no more “new member,” no more worrying. I was a full-fledged, card holding member! And now I felt like I was unstoppable.

Mom, Mary and Ginny came to the ceremony. They took me, Leslie, Mrs. Hart and Yvonne out to dinner. I asked Gwen but she had an exam on Tuesday. I couldn’t fault her. At dinner, it was so neat, all of us were sisters now. We were all united by this totally weird thing, that we all really loved. And even better—Mr. Hart was being released to outpatient care the next morning!! It was seriously the best celebration I’d had, in a long time.

Mrs. Hart pulled me aside after dinner, as I was waiting for Mary to get the car. “Kathleen, dear. I know something happened with you and Marcus, but I must say, I am thrilled you two worked it out. He has never seemed happier than he is with you. I know that I can’t speak for him, but I think he loves you quite a bit. And I’m so glad you brought out such happiness in him.”

I smiled. “Mrs. Hart, it was just a bump. And I am so glad he picked me. He’s the most sincere, fierce, annoying, adorable guy I’ve met. I do love him, an embarrassingly large amount. And I hope he knows that. I’m very lucky to have him. And fortunate to have had your family welcome me.” I hugged her tightly as Leslie rounded the corner.

“Whatever Mom.” She said sarcastically, “Just go ahead and adopt her. You love her more than me. Whatever.” We all laughed. And I was content. Wholly and completely content.

Family Ties

Monday night was the night I found out who my big sister was. Yvonne and I had sat around after classes making predictions on who would be mine and hers. “WHAT IF WE END UP BEING TWINS?” we fantasized. We compared out goodie baskets, dissected every note. After we’d exhausted all our ideas of who our big sisters would be, I asked about her weekend with Rich’s parents.

“We went to that Shakespeare theater thing they have in Montgomery. And it was really awesome. Apparently Rich’s parents go a lot. They’re from there, so I guess it’s like the thing to do. Then, they made mentioned of their Thanksgiving at the beach, and how maybe I could attend. They kind of did it in passing, but I would be lying if I didn’t freak out.” She paused. “How was Oxford?”

I hadn’t exactly told anybody about weird ambush turned reconciliation, mainly because I was just so excited to be with Mark. “Well, funny thing...”

She grinned. “Mark’s plan worked! I knew it would!!!” She squealed.

“You knew?”

“We all knew. No one had the heart to tell him about Kenny, we thought it might kind of cloud his ability or want. So we told him we thought it would work. Is his dad home yet?”

I sighed. “No, they keep yo-yoing about it. I think the main concern is that once they release him he’ll start to do too much again. They’ve bounced around putting him in an outpatient rehab center. His strength isn’t really there, so they think it’ll be good to get him some therapy and stuff. I’m no expert, but I think going home would help. He has to be sick of that hospital bed.”

After that, it was time to get dinner before the big/little reveal. Our whole pledge class had agreed to eat together before the ceremony/celebration in the café. Yvonne and I saw Gwen and sat down next to her. She kind of shot us a side eye. I wondered what her deal had been lately. Sure, we hadn’t seen her as much. But she hadn’t made much of an effort either.

Gwen shot me a smile. “I’m glad to hear Mark’s father’s doing well. Leslie mentioned it the other night at the Theta house.”

I nodded. “He’s just ready to get out of that hospital bed, I think. How’s things with you? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s all have a girl’s night soon, OK?” I was trying to keep the peace. Yvonne nodded emphatically at my idea.

“I would like that.” Well, at least we were making strides where Gwen was concerned. She’d made other friends in our pledge class, but I didn’t want her to think we’d ditched her. We hadn’t. I just thought she didn’t care to hang out with us much.

After we all inhaled our dinner, we made our march to the sorority house. We were asked to stand outside and wait to be asked in. When the ritual chair came out, she gave us each a number, “Each number corresponds to a piece of a string inside. Follow your string path to find clues, and eventually your BIG!” she wailed, and screams from all of us erupted.

I got number 17. I went and found the notecard stating 17. I picked up my piece of string when I was told to, and began to follow it. It was wrapped about chairs, paintings, the Tv, inside the refrigerator. Literally, this stuff lead us on a long journey. I kept bumping into other girls and getting caught on other pieces of string. After about ten minutes, slowly but surely we began finding our bigs. The first girl to find hers screamed with joy. I wasn’t really focused on her excitement, I wanted to find mine!

Finally, I was in the home stretch. I had only about 15 inches between me and my big box, which would reveal my big. I unwrapped the life-sized package, wrapped in really ugly Dora the Explorer paper. I tore it open, and I could see her head, peaking out the top when I exposed the box. This only made me unwrap faster. Finally, I tore through the box, and inside was Leslie!!! Waiting with another basket of treats, and t-shirt that read “Leslie’s Little.” She had on a shirt that said “Kathleen & Hannah’s Big!” Hannah was a girl a year older than me. I knew Leslie was her big, so I didn’t suspect she’d take on another. I hugged Leslie as soon as I could get all the wrapping paper removed. Then, Hannah came out, she had just gotten her little—Yvonne! Leslie’s big, Nina came up and we all hugged, laughed and took lots of pictures. Nina finally says, “Let’s get in the stack!” On the stairs, Nina stood on the highest step, below her, Leslie, below Leslie, Hannah and I stood side by side and below Hannah, Yvonne. This was the sorority stack.

After we took our pictures, Nina announced that it was Flirty Family tradition (the name of our family was the Flirty Family, apparently Nina and her big were both big flirts around campus, and the name stuck- a lot of families had similar, goofy names) that we go out for ice cream. We went to the Mountain Brook Creamery and had clown cones, as is tradition-according to Leslie.

I got back to my room, new basket in tow, to find Candace in our room for the first time in days. I just assumed we’d been missing each other. She was packing a suitcase. I put my basket down. “What’s up? Where you going?” I asked.

“My parents and I decided that it’s best for me to go home for the rest of the semester.” Her voice broke, and she began to cry. “I spoke to the RA, she said that you can have the room to yourself or find a new roommate. That’s up to you.”

“Candace, what’s wrong?” She was sobbing now.

“I made an F...” She hiccupped. “It was a really hard test. And, and my parents found out about Jarrett. We’ve still been sneaking around. They blame him. And I need, I need to go home.”

Bless her heart. Not only was Jarrett breaking her heart, but her parents were being total buttheads. She was actually taking really difficult classes. Advanced Chem, which is usually for sophomores, French Literature, and English composition. They were all time consuming, and usually not for first semester students. For the first time since she told me the whole Jarrett thing, I really felt sorry for her. Her parents were those hover-craft kind. Who just couldn’t let their daughter be average or above average, she had to be a damn genius. And it clearly took a toll.

Tough Love

“Kenny,” I pleaded, “this wasn’t some scheme to make you mad. This wasn’t premediated. I didn’t know what I wanted. But when I saw Mark things changed. I changed.”

He huffed, “And you didn’t think to tell me?!”

“Isn’t that what I’m doing now?” I was kind of over his behavior. “Look, I’m sorry. But us continuing to talk is only going to make matters worse. I’m sorry, I really am. Goodbye.”

I was sitting alone in my room after hanging out the phone. Kenny and I had verbally assaulted each other for the past 45 minutes. I was exhausted, so I took a nap. It had been a real draining day. And it wasn’t even dinner time yet!

I woke up to Mark calling me. “Hey...” I spoke wearily, still half asleep.

“Hey.” He was cautious. Like he had bad news. “Umm, just wondering how you are.”

“Fine.” I was short. Mainly because I was still waking up.

“Kathleen, where are you?”

“My room...”

“Oh thank god!” His tone changed. “I hadn’t heard from you after you left to take Kenny’s call and I was so afraid you’d left.”

I laughed. “I know I’m indecisive, but geez! Have a little faith!”

“I do.” Was all he could offer. I hoped I wasn’t carrying around the backlash from my indiscretion forever. 

“Well, I need to take a shower. I’ll talk to you later?”

“That’s why I was calling. Do you want to go see my parents tonight? They miss you.”

“They probably hate me now.”

He sighed. “Nah. I didn’t exactly tell them we broke up. I said you and I got into a fight about something stupid, and we’d decided to take a cooling off. But that I knew we’d work it out.”

Now I really felt like shit. I’d told practically everyone that we were done. I was just so hurt, upset, and worried. “Are they at their house or at the hospital?”

“They’re at the hospital. Dad will come home Sunday, we hope. So I’m going to stay at my parent’s house this weekend and make sure everything’s ready. You’re welcome to join me.”

“I would very much like that.”

“Okay then, get ready. I’m leaving in an hour. Dad can’t have visitors past 7.”

We arrive at the hospital, and his parents didn’t seem the slightest bit mad, or even confused, by my presence. They just welcomed me like they always had. Both his parents were in very high spirits. I tried to act as normal as possible, but I was still kind of like a skittish cat. It came time for Mark and me to pack up and head home. “All right, well we’re going to get the house ready for you two. We will see y’all tomorrow, okay?” We hugged and kissed them goodbye, and we were on our way to Mark’s house.

As we pulled up, I suddenly got very nervous. I was anxious about being in his parents’ house again. I mean this was where he told me he loved me for the first time. I just had a whirlwind of a day, and I wasn’t prepared. I sat in the passenger seat, unmoving. Thinking about how much of a jerk I had been, how much I ruined, and if I’d ever get it back, fully.

Mark didn’t notice my catatonic state until it came time for us to get our bags out the trunk, and I remained sitting in the passenger seat. He knocked on the window, and I rolled it down.

“Care to get out?” He asked playfully. All I could do was shake my head. “What’s wrong? Is your foot asleep?” I often sat on my feet in the car, and sometimes when I got out, I looked like a baby fawn trying to walk for the first time. I shook my head again. Only this time I began to cry. He opened the door and looked at me. “Kathleen, I try not to be tough love with you, because you’re not very receptive. But here it is. Either you figure this out, or we move on. I can’t have you falling apart. I can’t say that I’ll never hold what you did against you, but right now, I don’t care. Let’s just focus on moving forward. Because if you can’t, I’ll have to move on without you. I’m not saying I want to, but it’s what needs to happen. So your call. Are we doing this together or am I going this alone?”

I slowly wiped my eyes and stood up. “Let’s go, then.” I stated matter-of-factly.

After we got settled in his house and put our bags up, we went to the living room to watch TV. At first, we sat on opposite ends of the couch from each other. Then, he inched a little closer, knowing I wouldn’t be the one to give in. After about twenty minutes, he pulled me onto his chest, and kissed my forehead. I began to relax a little. As I scratched his leg, and he rubbed my arm, I had this overwhelming sense of want.

I rolled over onto my back, looking up at him, and nodded. He leaned down and kissed me. He quickly picked me up, placed me in his lap, facing him. We kissed, hugged, and laughed like that for a long time. Until he looked at me seriously, “It’s time for me to put you to bed, isn’t it?” I slowly nodded.

He walked me up to his bed, and we fell in love all over again. We didn’t get out of that bed until Sunday. And when his mom called to say that his dad wouldn’t be released due to low blood pressure, we went right back until we left for class Monday morning.

Ambushed

Thursday morning I woke up to a text message from Leslie.

Hey girl. Was wondering if you’re free sometime this weekend? Miss seeing you!

Well that was a lot less threatening than I had originally anticipated. She had sent it only an hour earlier, I read it at 9am.

I am leaving town. But, I’m here til 3 or 4. Wanna grab lunch?

She responded quickly. Sure. Café on campus at 11:45?

Done. See you then!

Leslie was already sitting down when I reached the café after my class. All the Betas sat together in one spot usually. Like when Mean Girls talks about the assigned seating in the cafeteria, that was us. Only probably worse.  “Hey Leslie!” I said upon seeing her.

“Oh, hey!” She moved her books out of the chair adjacent to her and I sat down before getting my meal.

She clearly wasn’t in a mood to mince words. “Look, I’m going to cut the crap. Mark is miserable. He’s too stubborn to say he misses you or that you should work it out. So I am. Kathleen, he’s a mess without you.”

I sat there, mouth agape, and the tears welled up in my eyes. I had been waiting. Hoping. Wishing. I wanted him to want me. I knew I was filling my time with Kenny. I knew it was a convenient thing. But now, Kenny was interested. And so was I, in my heart of hearts. “I miss him.” Was all I could squeak out.

“Okay, so I’ll call him and I’ll tell him you miss him and you wish all the things he wishes. Granted you need to do some serious talking about stuff, but I think this is good.” She was very matter of fact. As if she just had this whole schedule of events laid out.

I nodded dumbly. “Okay, I’ll talk to him. But I’m kind of seeing someone...” I pulled the bandaid off as quickly as possible.

“You whaaaaa?” She looked like her eyes might fall out of her head at any moment.

I took in a big breath. “By some cosmic joke, my ex-boyfriend came by right after everything with Mark hit the fan. And, I think it was easier to..” I was losing composure. I was beginning to cry. I was literally about to cry in the middle of the café. I had to pull it together. I will myself to not cry or cause a scene. “It was easier to just fall into him than into pieces.”

Leslie slapped her hands over her face. “This guy? This ex-boyfriend... You like him more than Mark?” Well that was blunt. Gee, thanks.

“More? No.” I thought long. “It’s different kinds.”

Leslie was getting annoyed. “Dammit Kathleen! Which one do you like more?!”

I just shook my head. “I’m going to stay with him this weekend. How about when I get back on Sunday you and I revisit this?”

Leslie was still fuming. “If and only if I can tell Mark exactly what you’re doing.”

“No! That’s not fair!” I squawked.

“It’s not fair for you to drag poor Mark along like this. Own up or ship out.”

And then, I saw Mark walk in. I had been set up. This was all a rouse. Whatever, I’d own it. “Mark! Over here!”

He smiled brightly, thinking that I had said I missed him, wanted him back, the whole nine yards. I sat him down and before Leslie could speak said, “Hey, look, I’m going to Oxford this weekend to see Kenny. I’m not sure what Kenny and I are doing. And I miss you terribly. But Kenny came back at a time when I was alone and scared. And I’m sorry that this sucks, but I don’t know what else to do. I can give you an honest answer as to who I want to be with after this weekend.”

He looked at me, his eyes hot as coals. “Kathleen, if you go to Oxford this is over. Because you always pick him. I am annoyed you’ve been seeing him. But this is me saying I want to fix us. And you’ve got to make a decision. I won’t be playing ping pong with this guy. You choose.”

Big, ugly, sad, pathetic tears welled up in my eyes. I was having a hard time controlling my breathing. Mark was right. I was being unfair. I’d been unfair this whole time. Picking a fight about his dad, running back to Kenny, telling him I’d wait it out. “I don’t deserve you.” I cried in the most lackluster tone. “But I want you. So much.”

By this point, I had caused a huge scene. People were looking. But oddly, I wasn’t embarrassed. Mark picked me up out of my chair and walked me to a secluded, densely overgrown part of the academic quad. I sat on the grass still sobbing. He sat facing me. “Look, you’ve really pissed me off lately.” His voice was really serious. “But I think you’ve been acting out of fear. You’re scared and it made you want to act out. It makes sense. But look, if we’re going to do this again, no running out. No hiding feelings. No going back to fucking Kenny.” He gave me a nasty look on that one. “We’re adults. If it’s the last thing I do, I will make you act like one. Now, are you game?”

I couldn’t even say yes, so I just nodded emphatically. He got up on his knees, and hugged me tightly. “Okay, now seriously... we need to talk about a lot. You’re clearly upset now, so how about we go watch some TV in my room and we’ll talk about this when you feel better?”

I knew I’d lose my nerve if I got trapped up in his room, cuddling with him, being all cute and lovey. “No. We hash things out now. On the hard grass. While I’m grump and sad and pathetic and weird. Now or never.”

He smiled. “That’s my girl!” And we talked until my phone rang at 2pm. It was Kenny, undoubtedly asking when I was going to get in...

Work it Out

I got home and my mom and dad seriously waited on me hand and foot. They also did a really good job of holding in their comments about the fact that I walked in the door with Kenny. I had told Mom that he was coming over. I just don’t think she realized that we were, what felt like, picking up right where we left off.

My professors were very understanding of my absence. I didn’t really tell them that I was no longer having sporadic attendance due to Mr. Hart’s injury, but I left the assumption up to them. All my assignments were extended with the exception of a few things I just turned in remotely. I could gather most of the content I’d missed from classmates or Betas who were in my classes. It really seemed like my grades weren’t suffering. However, I vowed to be a better attendant until the end of the semester.

Mom took me shopping one afternoon. “So, Kenny?” She asked quietly.

I nodded while perusing the racks. “I know. It was weird. But he seems different. He’s so excited to talk to me. He calls me every night. He has just been a lot better. I don’t know what this means. But, it’s nice to be wanted.”

“Kathleen,” she said cautiously. “You’ve never been good at being single. For the year that you weren’t with Kenny, before Mark, you say you were ‘single,’ but you truly weren’t. That poor Vincent kid followed you around, took you out, and doted on you.”

I was kind of stunned. After Kenny and I broke up, my friend Vincent made a very concerted effort to make sure I was okay. But I don’t think he was actually in love with me. I mean, granted, after I didn’t go to Prom with him we never spoke again. But, I figured he’d just gotten a bruised ego. “Mom, this isn’t what this is. I don’t know what any of this stuff between either Mark or Kenny means. I’ll sort this all out. I will.”

Monday night I went to chapter. It was our last chapter before we found out our big sisters. We’d be initiated the following week. Before all of this hullabaloo with Mark, I couldn’t wait to be initiated. And find out who my big sister was. Now, I’m kind of less excited. But, I was still very thankful to be a Beta. At chapter, we were each given a clue as to who our Big Sister might be. And we took turns guessing. They wouldn’t tell us, but it was funny for the older girls to hear what we thought.

My card read: When you join my family you won’t be an only child. You’ll have a twin, a big, and maybe even more.

This was actually a quality clue. What this meant was that I was getting a twin. A twin is someone who shares a big sister. So, this girl was an upperclassman. I wracked my brain, but couldn’t figure out what the “maybe even more” was supposed to mean. I was hoping it meant that my big sister had a dog!!! I would love a dog.

Classes were going well. My lowest grade was in Spanish, no surprise there, and I had an 83 average. I couldn’t complain since I never had a decent grade in Spanish to begin with. Monday Mark still wasn’t in lab, so I did actually pair up with the other girls. They were actually very nice. And smart. Much better at this than Mark or I were. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from them.

Wednesday night Harriett, Ashley, Yvonne and I went to dinner. Newk’s was probably my favorite casual eating place. We didn’t have them in my hometown, but there were plenty in Mississippi, and so it was kind of like this treasure you only got to have once in a while. And I loved any BBQ Chicken Pizza I could get my hands on. Ashley was saying that her season would end in two weeks, and she wasn’t sure if she was going to play again next season. She hadn’t totally bonded with any of the girls on the team, and she felt like she was missing out. Harriett and Chet were going away to the lake for the weekend. By themselves. She had high hopes that this time would end better than the last. Yvonne and Rich were going to see a play in Montgomery with his parents. I hadn’t really told them about Kenny, so when I said I was going to Oxford for his fraternities philanthropy event (it was a party-I’m not quite sure how they get away calling it a philanthropy event), all mouths hit the floor.

Yvonne, never mincing words, “Well, isn’t that a little unfair to Mark. Do you not want to try to work this out when his life settles down?”

I kind of got mad. “Oh yeah, because there is a lot to come back from when he leaves you in a parking lot to fend for yourself.”

Ashley sensing tensions broke it up. “Look, we’ll support you. But just be cautious. Mark is an awesome guy, and I would hate for you to ruin the chance of fixing something with him for this guy you haven’t spoken to in a year.”

I saw her point. I just didn’t know how to fix what Mark and I had. Or if he wanted to. I’d been giving him his space. And I didn’t ask Yvonne or Rich about it. Even when I saw Leslie at chapter, she just smiled and nodded. She didn’t seem mad. I think we’re just moving on. All of us.

Kenny called while we were eating. I ignored his call, texting him saying I’d call later. When I got back to my room, Candace was studying, so I went to the common room on the floor to call him back. He was telling me about the party, and who all was going to be there. “Look, Susanna is dating another brother now. She’s going to be around. She’s usually pretty low key about this. We’ve been broken up at least 3 months. However, I haven’t had a girlfriend since her. Obviously.”

I choked. “A what?”

“A girlfriend. You’re my girlfriend. Let’s not be childish about this. We both know this is for the best.”

“Pump the breaks a second. Don’t be rash. There is no reason to go acting all love stupid. We’ve got plenty of time. But as soon as we go putting labels on this, making it a thing, we’ve created expectations. I don’t think either of us are in a place to do that. Are we?”

He sighed. I couldn’t tell if it was from sadness, or from agreement. “Look, people here think of you as my girlfriend. I think of you as my girlfriend. If you need some convincing, I guess I can wait it out. But please, don’t get all ‘he’s not my boyfriend’ this weekend. Ok?”

He was being fair. If not weird. But fair. I was leaving to go to Oxford the next morning, I didn’t want things to be rough. “Deal. Now, did you do as I asked and set up your DVR to record the lifetime movie marathon today, so we can watch it tomorrow night?”

He laughed. “Yes ma’am. I did. Don’t tell Kathleen, but I even went out and bought York Peppermint Patties. They are sitting in the freezer now. I had to fight the urge to grab them myself, but I knew you’d like them.”

I nodded. “Thank you for that. I’ll see you in a few hours. Sleep well, kumquat.”

“Goodnight, parsnip.”