Goodnight

Friday I went a bit AWOL and fled to my Aunt Mary’s house in need of serious retreat. I told my friends and Mark that I promised to spend the day with her, but honestly I just need to detox from the chaos that was my life.

Mary was like the fun, wild, goofy aunt. Even with her own kids, Fran, Ginny, and Vince, she was very chill. Not that my parents were strict on me, but she took laid back to a whole different level.

I sat on her couch watching Housewives while Uncle Wayne was in the kitchen making popcorn. Mary looked at me intently. “Baby girl, what’s wrong?”

I looked at her weakly before my eyes filled with tears. “I’m just so worn out. School, pledgeship, Mark, his dad. I’m tired.”

She got up from her recliner and came over to me. She rubbed my back. “It’s hectic, I know.” She just shushed me and stroked my back and played with my hair. Wayne came in at that time. I heard Mary tell him to go walk the dogs and leave the popcorn.

After a few minutes she let me go. “So, what are we going to do? Let’s start with the easiest thing... Pledgeship.”

I nodded. “I missed two meetings. I’m just worr-“ She cut me off.

“Your boyfriend’s dad almost died. No one is counting you absence. I’m on the council that monitors that. We haven’t even brought it up. We are very sympathetic. You have been to more than we anticipated. Just do what you can. We’ll work it out. You know it. Now, school—you just do that. No discussion there. So, that’s just making time. You’re bright I have no worries. Okay, the fuzzy things come up now...”

I nodded. “I know this sounds immature, but it’s hard for me to see Mark so wracked. He’s broken. And it bothers me. Because he’s supposed to be the strong boy handling things. And I can’t say that without being a butt head.”

She sighed. “I know. Look, do you love Mark and do you want to be there for him?”

“I do. But to what end? I know I love him and want him to be happy. But what happened to my happiness? And what qualities I think I need in a mate. I need someone strong, and after this, I’m not sure he’s it.”

Mary balked. “Like Kenny was some strong Hercules?”

I shot her a mean look. “That’s not relevant.”

She gave me an even meaner look. “Yes, it is. You say you want a strong man’s man. But you like guys who are sweet and tender. You can’t have both. You’re being unfair. I don’t care which one you want, but you have to pick one. One person cannot be all the things you’ve ever wanted in the world. It’s about finding someone who makes your life better than it already is.”

She was right and I knew it. I hugged her, ate a handful of popcorn, and went to bed. I wanted to be well rested for my date with Mark the following night. I needed to think and digest what I wanted.

Mark dropped me off at my dorm to get ready after we spent the afternoon with his dad. His father was getting released on Sunday if all went well, so we were all in high spirits at the hospital. We now saw light at the end of the tunnel.

After I showered, curled my hair, did my makeup and put on a chiffon top with jeans, he was calling me saying he was ready to leave. We didn’t talk much in the car. I felt weird, knowing I’d told my aunt I wasn’t sure what I wanted in terms of him any longer.

He took me to the Tavern at the Summit. We sat down at our intimately lit table and he smiled at me brightly. “You’ve been awesome through all this. I love you.”

I wasn’t expecting him to do that and I kind of cringed. Knowing I hadn’t been as awesome as he thought. “No, don’t mention it.” I said like I had something sour in my mouth.

He cocked his head to the left. “Come on... Out with it.”

I took in what I could imagine was all the air in the entire room. “I just... this whole thing has... I’m scared.”

He looked at me dumbly. “Of course! We are in our cars every day. And it’s hard to believe that in an instant it could alter us forever.”

Oh Lord. He totally took that the wrong way. “That’s not, I didn’t quite—“ I stammered. I took a moment and finally compiled my thoughts. “It made me scared about our future.” His face fell. “I didn’t know if we could weather this. Or any other thing. When it’s not all roses and sunshine, are we really cut out for this? Can we do this thing together?” I didn’t mean to keep going... It just came out. All of it.

“I see...” He said that as soon as our server brought our meals. He prodded at his steak with his fork. “So, do you care to share your findings?” His voice was full of hate.

I looked around, trying to survey if we were making a scene. To me it felt like all eyes were on us, but I’m sure no one actually gave us a second glance. “I love you. You are the sweetest, most thoughtful, careful, generous man.” I gathered my composure. “But, I wonder if we aren’t both weak. It took all I had to be strong for you this past week. When you would cry in my arms at night, I would cry after you fell asleep. I was exhausted. And you just kept being so vulnerable. And it made it so hard.”

He laughed an evil, mean, spiteful laugh. One I’d never heard. And one that honestly frightened me. “Oh, excuse me for being upset that I did not know if my father was going to live through the night. Forgive me for being upset that my mother’s guilt was eating her alive. I’m sorry that I was afraid of this thing I transport myself and the girl I love in might find fault and take us, or god forbid her, away. I’m really sorry that was such a God damn drag for you! What a shitter, right?” He was raising his voice.

I started to cry. I couldn’t be in there anymore. The walls were caving in on me. I felt confined. I jumped up, grabbed my bag, and calmly walked out the door, then started to sprint around the parking lot. I ran as far as I could, and then walked in Barnes and Noble. I surveyed the fiction section, only to realize I might need to work on finding a ride home. Ginny lived in the apartments in The Summit, so I called her as I walked out of the store.

As I paced, I saw Mark’s car speed past. He had called twice, but I ignored it. Before I could hit send on the call to Ginny I got a text from Mark.

You are so selfish. And what sucks is all I can think about is making sure you get home safe. So, as mad as I am, please just let me know when you make it in.

Not two seconds after, I got another. Before I lose my nerve... this is over. After I know you make it home okay, never contact me again. I can’t bear this anymore.

I began to sob.

I’ve already called Yvonne. Goodnight.

I dialed Ginny. She picked up quickly. “Hey baby girl! Need some booze for tonight?” She laughed.

I began to hiccup in sobs. “I’m...I’m...I need you to get me.”