Good distraction

God Bless Uncle Wayne. I know I’ve told y’all before that he is a bit of a yes man. That’s always been the case. Mary wears the pants in their house. It’s just how it is. He’s the sweetest, most pleasant, kindest man. And he found the pushiest, most overbearing, most outgoing woman to marry. Together they make this loveable pair that you can’t help but fawn over. And they created three gorgeous children. They’re really the best.

But, occasionally Uncle Wayne gets to the bottom of the whiskey handle, and we all reap the benefits. The man is like a man possessed when he is drunk. And it’s very rare. But it happens. He is a riot. He will mock Mary’s obsession with Beta. He will make fun of the fact that Ginny can’t keep her hair the same style or color for more than a week. She has an identity crisis, because Mary wouldn’t let her be herself until 23, he says. Ha! However, the real fun started when he went in on Vince, in front of his new lady. Jessa. Poor, beautiful, charmed Jessa. Jessa’s father is a finance director for a large manufacturing plant. Vince does something with oil. And Wayne looked at Vince intently.  “Son, she’s awfully pretty. You’re gonna need a raise to keep her. She’s the kind you have to beg to stay. She’ll find someone better. Someone not as annoying. You better mind your manners on this one!”

Jessa about fell out of her chair. Luckily, she found this whole thing hilarious and endearing. Thank god! My dad was trying to shut Wayne up, by talking football. It didn’t help a bit. He just kept right on. Mary, who was too busy telling me about what she had cooked up for spring recruitment practices, did not seem to mind at all. She was totally oblivious when Wayne went on his tirades. I’m wondering if it is not by design.

After dinner, Vince came over to talk to me, since Fran and Ginny had Jessa cornered. “I wonder what kind of third degree the poor girl is getting over there?” He nodded his head in the girls direction.

“Probably something along the lines of, ‘get out now. He’s nuts. And he is a terrible shot.’” Fran and Ginny always give Vince a hard time because he’s an awful marksman. Most of my family, myself included, is a decent shot. Vince couldn’t hit the wide side of a barn. I don’t care much for guns or hunting, so I don’t mind that he’s not the best shot. But his sisters do not let him live it down.

“Look, I am good looking. I can’t help it I don’t have all the makings for a genetic jackpot.”

I laughed. “We will try to be a little easier on you.”

“So, how’s the semester rounding out? You’re about to start finals, how’s that going?”

I kind of chuckled. “I’ve been spending a lot of time in the library. I hope I’m ready. I’m lucky that I’ve suddenly got a lot of free time to focus.”

He sighed. “Kid, things will get better. You’ll find someone else. Sometimes these things aren’t meant to happen.”

“I suppose. I just wish I could tell him I’m sorry.”

“He knows.” He hugged me. “But, on a more serious note. Fran has this intern. He’s twenty. And Fran and Ginny think he’s attractive. And he may have seen your picture on her desk, and said you were cute.”

I blushed. “No this did not happen!”

“Yes! I was on the phone, on speaker, when he said it. He didn’t realize I was on the line. I laughed and then he got embarrassed and apparently ran out.”

“Someone finding me attractive is funny?”

“Well, you are kind of goofy looking, kid. It’s not like you didn’t already know.” He punched at my shoulder.

After that, Jessa came over and told Vince she was ready for bed. They went up to bed, and Fran and Ginny joined me, as I picked at the cake we’d made.

“So, tell me about this intern who is in love with me.” I laughed at Fran.

“Vince would tell you that! He’s such a guy.”

“I just thought it was a bit offensive that he laughed!”

Ginny looked confused, so Fran filled her in. “Oh my gosh! Fran! Give him her number!”

“You mind?” Fran asked.

“Sure. Why not? I could always use a good distraction.”

Let the Crazy Show

Sometimes, thing seem easier in your mind than they are in practice, like going to Theta. That seemed easy enough in my cute little head. When the rest of my body joined-chaos.

Gwen and Yvonne were still out, so Harriett came rushing from Chet’s fraternity house to get me. She looked at me with sad, big, eyes. “Do you want to stay out or go in?”

“I am determined to have fun. Take me to Chet!” I was trying to muster as much fake enthusiasm as I could. I knew this was pleasing Ree, so I tried my damnedest to be into this.

When we walked in, Chet was sitting with two of his buddies on a couch. It looked like they were playing some card game. Ree coughed loudly to get the boys attention.

With that, the stood up and offered up their seats. Chet introduced his two friends, Will and Willie. That won’t be confusing. God bless the WASPs and their undying love to such a limited selection of names. And after the introductions, the boys quickly dealt us into their game, which I still don’t understand. Shockingly, I lost terribly both the rounds I played. Thus, I got hammered. Like stumble home drunk hammered.

Ree sweetly took me to bed, and I woke up with a hangover to rival all hangovers. I hadn’t drank much in several weeks. I’d been too afraid. I’m a drunk crier when I’m upset. Oh gosh. I had cried. To Rich. This would certainly get back to Mark when he returned. Oh Lord, I can only imagine. “Dude, that girl lost it. She must be bananas over you.” I can just hear it now.

This just amplified my hangover, and I started to cry more. When does this end? I finally went back to bed, hoping that would be the end of that.

I woke up a few hours later. I put myself together and went to the library. I had some finishing touches to put on my papers, and some serious studying to log before I left for break.

Thanksgiving, we were staying in Birmingham. It was Mary’s year to host the family. Mom and Dad were staying at the Embassy Suite, and I was staying with Ginny at her apartment. Fran, Ginny and I were going to make a cake. It was kind of a tradition. Every year we all got together and made the dessert for Thanksgiving. One year we got really ambitious and made a homemade cheese cake. We will never do that again.

Also, Franny and Ginny’s brother Vince was bringing home his girlfriend for the first time. He lived out in Texas somewhere, so we don’t see him often. But he is pretty smitten with this girl. It’s really adorable. He’s never been like this. I kind of think she’s it. If they had been dating more than 4 months, I might think he would propose.  But it’s too soon. He always said you have to make the girl wait at least 18 months. He said after a year, they’ll start to let their crazy show. And that gives you time to flesh out if you like their crazy enough to stick it out.

As I thought about this, I reflected on myself. I let my crazy show pretty early, I’d say. 3-4 months, I was already well on the crazy train. And at this rate, I wasn’t leaving anytime soon. I’d always prized myself in being collected. My high school friends used to mention how uncomplicated I was. I think that was just my lack of passion, looking back. I didn’t really like much about high school. I didn’t like my classes, I didn’t care about my hometown much, I didn’t really care one way or another about Kenny. I didn’t have anything to act crazy about, because I wasn’t crazy over anything. I just was.

I guess I’m glad I found something to be crazy about. But now, I needed to focus that energy into something more worthwhile. Like my studies. And finishing my application to be Beta Nu Philanthropy chair. Slate was going to pick the potential officers the week after we got back from Thanksgiving. Mom and Fran had both been philanthropy chair, they said it’s a good starting position. You get to meet everyone and become fully immersed in it. Which is what I need. Immersion. Diversion. All the –versions.

Progress, or something like it.

School really picks up around Thanksgiving. I’ve got three papers, two take home exams and one practical until Thanksgiving break. Luckily, we’ve got the entire week off for Thanksgiving, I’ve got a big week of plans with my friends from high school scheduled. Family stuff will start Thursday, and then I’m coming back to campus Saturday night, so I can spend all day Sunday hammering away at my school work.

Leslie stopped by my room earlier in the week. She said her dad is making strides every day. He’s even returned to work part time. They hope he’ll be full steam by the new year. She’s clearly hurting. I can see it in her eyes. I can also tell she’s not telling me anything. Mostly from my asking. She started to mention Mark one day, and I stopped her. I just can’t handle it honestly. But, when she came by she asked me to a Beta Family outing. We were going to visit the Birmingham Zoo. I was a sucker for zoos. She said everyone else was free on Saturday, so I happily agreed.

It was nice to get off of campus. It’s easy to get trapped in the campus sphere and not quite get a handle on the outside world. And I loved very little more than I loved zoos. My favorite part of the Birmingham Zoo is the giraffe experience. You can feed a giraffe! How awesome is that?

Yvonne was cracking up as the giraffe’s long, dark tongue darted out at her. “This is like the grossest thing, but it’s so fun!”

Nina had a penchant for being crude, and quickly chimed in with “that’s what she said.” Everyone weakly laughed. Is it just me, or is that joke not a little over played?

After the zoo, we stopped into Starbucks. I refuse to let myself enjoy a warm chai latte until after November 1^st, it’s like a secret joy I have. This was my first one of the year. And I couldn’t have been more excited. Yvonne and I sat down while the others ordered.

“Rich misses you.” She smiled.

“I miss Rich. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA lately. After you guys effectively took me off babysitters watch, I just wanted to be alone. I think it helped. I am ready to carry on. Thanks for being patient.”

“Girl, it’s no trouble. I mean, I’m a very good friend. I gave Ashley permission to date Allen, I’m letting you cope. Geez, I deserve a humanitarian award of some sort.” She snorted.

“Most humble. Definitely most humble!”

After the zoo trip, Yvonne told me she and Gwen were going to see a movie, but I declined. I see movies as an expensive nap. Because let’s be honest, those leaning chairs can be awfullllly comfy.

My dad and I never really spoke on the phone. I was a totallllll daddy’s girl, but he hates the phone. He doesn’t even have a smart phone. He has an old school, black and white screened Nokia. The man lives in the dark ages. So, I thought with all my alone time, I’d call him and catch up. To say he was shocked is an understatement. We literally talked about everything. He told me about Frances’ new toys. His new project at work. He’s in finance and he’s trying to broker a deal with a large local employer for their 401k. I’m sure he’ll get the account. He’s really an impressive trader. I wish I had his knack for numbers. I’ve just got his asymmetrical nose. He asked about my classes, we talked about my plan of attack for finishing out the semester. He really just kind of screwed my head on about the final push.

After feeling refreshed and refocused, I asked Leslie what she was doing. She said that she, Luke, and a few other people were going down to the Theta a house and going to watch a football game. She offered me a seat next to her on the couch if I wanted to go, so I decided to face my fears. I was going to go to the Theta house.

I walked in, and I felt like I was coming home. But to a home my parents had moved away from many years prior. Like I knew that place, but it wasn’t any longer mine. Like it wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

Just then, Rich saw me and flagged me down. He came up and hugged me in a huge bear hug. “I didn’t know you were coming! Yvonne’s out with Gwen! She’s gonna hate she missed you!” He paused. “I’m so glad you’re back.” He kissed my cheek, like a loving brother.

Just then, I broke into tears. “I don’t know if I can do this!” I wailed. Rich rushed me into a bedroom of his friend before I made even more of a scene.

Where is my mind?

Harriet and Ashley kind of forcefully made me stay with them for the first few days after Mark left. I promised myself that I wouldn’t try to interfere with whatever kind of treatment he was having, so I kept to myself. Leslie understood my want to be detached, so she didn’t bring him up much.

I was being doted on at an exceptional level. Even my mom came up during the week and stayed with Aunt Mary and they took me shopping and out to eat. If I was occupied, I wasn’t terribly upset. I missed him, sure. But I knew that whatever was happening was for the best.

I had missed all the Halloween festivities, but it was okay. I wasn’t in much of a party mood. I’d stayed at Mary’s house and handed out candy to her trick or treaters. She claimed she appreciated the help. I think she was just kind of telling me whatever I wanted to hear.

I’d really been on top of my school work. I came in from class, studied, ate, and slept. I wasn’t even going to the social Beta things. I was going to the mandatory things, but I was just going through the motions.

Honestly, I felt to blame for Mark’s problems. I was the one who left him when he was so upset about his dad. I was the one who practically begged him to dump me the second time. I was not making adequate time for him, or being nice when we did see each other. I was definitely a catalyst in this situation. At night, I’d have dreams that he was chasing me, yelling about how I ruined his life. The guilt ate away at me constantly when I had down time.

If I’m being totally introspective, I am kind of thankful things ended like this. I mean yes, I feel awful. Yes, I’m sorry this is happening to Mark. But! I’m glad I finally had a sustainable out. I’ve always been the weak of heart. My mom pesters me about it all the time. It’s why I’m such a yo-yo with Kenny. I’m too afraid to be alone. I’m too afraid to figure myself out. I don’t like admitting that because it’s hard. It kind of makes me feel even worse. But, now. Now, I’ve got this solid bye. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up and he left school because he was depressed. I can’t go back to him. I won’t; I don’t want to stifle his progress.

All that said, I loved him. But not how he needed me to love him. I loved him in a weak way. A superficial way. A way in that I liked fitting in. A way in that I enjoyed his company. A way in that it was nice to have a built in caretaker and buddy on almost any adventure. I am afraid of living life for me, by myself. Maybe this as good a time as ever to finally step out and step up. I’m going to become me. I’m going to search for what I want. Be what I need.

 

I told myself that I’d done all these things after Kenny and I broke up. However, I made it glaringly untrue when I went right back to him. He isn’t what I need. I need to be a self-sufficient, hardworking, focused, driven, thoughtful, careful, beautiful woman.

**Sorry the post is a little shorter, but it was by design. I just can't imagine putting this into a longer post with other information. I just wanted everyone to have a clear image of where our girl's head was at.**