Where is my mind?

Harriet and Ashley kind of forcefully made me stay with them for the first few days after Mark left. I promised myself that I wouldn’t try to interfere with whatever kind of treatment he was having, so I kept to myself. Leslie understood my want to be detached, so she didn’t bring him up much.

I was being doted on at an exceptional level. Even my mom came up during the week and stayed with Aunt Mary and they took me shopping and out to eat. If I was occupied, I wasn’t terribly upset. I missed him, sure. But I knew that whatever was happening was for the best.

I had missed all the Halloween festivities, but it was okay. I wasn’t in much of a party mood. I’d stayed at Mary’s house and handed out candy to her trick or treaters. She claimed she appreciated the help. I think she was just kind of telling me whatever I wanted to hear.

I’d really been on top of my school work. I came in from class, studied, ate, and slept. I wasn’t even going to the social Beta things. I was going to the mandatory things, but I was just going through the motions.

Honestly, I felt to blame for Mark’s problems. I was the one who left him when he was so upset about his dad. I was the one who practically begged him to dump me the second time. I was not making adequate time for him, or being nice when we did see each other. I was definitely a catalyst in this situation. At night, I’d have dreams that he was chasing me, yelling about how I ruined his life. The guilt ate away at me constantly when I had down time.

If I’m being totally introspective, I am kind of thankful things ended like this. I mean yes, I feel awful. Yes, I’m sorry this is happening to Mark. But! I’m glad I finally had a sustainable out. I’ve always been the weak of heart. My mom pesters me about it all the time. It’s why I’m such a yo-yo with Kenny. I’m too afraid to be alone. I’m too afraid to figure myself out. I don’t like admitting that because it’s hard. It kind of makes me feel even worse. But, now. Now, I’ve got this solid bye. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up and he left school because he was depressed. I can’t go back to him. I won’t; I don’t want to stifle his progress.

All that said, I loved him. But not how he needed me to love him. I loved him in a weak way. A superficial way. A way in that I liked fitting in. A way in that I enjoyed his company. A way in that it was nice to have a built in caretaker and buddy on almost any adventure. I am afraid of living life for me, by myself. Maybe this as good a time as ever to finally step out and step up. I’m going to become me. I’m going to search for what I want. Be what I need.

 

I told myself that I’d done all these things after Kenny and I broke up. However, I made it glaringly untrue when I went right back to him. He isn’t what I need. I need to be a self-sufficient, hardworking, focused, driven, thoughtful, careful, beautiful woman.

**Sorry the post is a little shorter, but it was by design. I just can't imagine putting this into a longer post with other information. I just wanted everyone to have a clear image of where our girl's head was at.**