Ambushed

Thursday morning I woke up to a text message from Leslie.

Hey girl. Was wondering if you’re free sometime this weekend? Miss seeing you!

Well that was a lot less threatening than I had originally anticipated. She had sent it only an hour earlier, I read it at 9am.

I am leaving town. But, I’m here til 3 or 4. Wanna grab lunch?

She responded quickly. Sure. Café on campus at 11:45?

Done. See you then!

Leslie was already sitting down when I reached the café after my class. All the Betas sat together in one spot usually. Like when Mean Girls talks about the assigned seating in the cafeteria, that was us. Only probably worse.  “Hey Leslie!” I said upon seeing her.

“Oh, hey!” She moved her books out of the chair adjacent to her and I sat down before getting my meal.

She clearly wasn’t in a mood to mince words. “Look, I’m going to cut the crap. Mark is miserable. He’s too stubborn to say he misses you or that you should work it out. So I am. Kathleen, he’s a mess without you.”

I sat there, mouth agape, and the tears welled up in my eyes. I had been waiting. Hoping. Wishing. I wanted him to want me. I knew I was filling my time with Kenny. I knew it was a convenient thing. But now, Kenny was interested. And so was I, in my heart of hearts. “I miss him.” Was all I could squeak out.

“Okay, so I’ll call him and I’ll tell him you miss him and you wish all the things he wishes. Granted you need to do some serious talking about stuff, but I think this is good.” She was very matter of fact. As if she just had this whole schedule of events laid out.

I nodded dumbly. “Okay, I’ll talk to him. But I’m kind of seeing someone...” I pulled the bandaid off as quickly as possible.

“You whaaaaa?” She looked like her eyes might fall out of her head at any moment.

I took in a big breath. “By some cosmic joke, my ex-boyfriend came by right after everything with Mark hit the fan. And, I think it was easier to..” I was losing composure. I was beginning to cry. I was literally about to cry in the middle of the café. I had to pull it together. I will myself to not cry or cause a scene. “It was easier to just fall into him than into pieces.”

Leslie slapped her hands over her face. “This guy? This ex-boyfriend... You like him more than Mark?” Well that was blunt. Gee, thanks.

“More? No.” I thought long. “It’s different kinds.”

Leslie was getting annoyed. “Dammit Kathleen! Which one do you like more?!”

I just shook my head. “I’m going to stay with him this weekend. How about when I get back on Sunday you and I revisit this?”

Leslie was still fuming. “If and only if I can tell Mark exactly what you’re doing.”

“No! That’s not fair!” I squawked.

“It’s not fair for you to drag poor Mark along like this. Own up or ship out.”

And then, I saw Mark walk in. I had been set up. This was all a rouse. Whatever, I’d own it. “Mark! Over here!”

He smiled brightly, thinking that I had said I missed him, wanted him back, the whole nine yards. I sat him down and before Leslie could speak said, “Hey, look, I’m going to Oxford this weekend to see Kenny. I’m not sure what Kenny and I are doing. And I miss you terribly. But Kenny came back at a time when I was alone and scared. And I’m sorry that this sucks, but I don’t know what else to do. I can give you an honest answer as to who I want to be with after this weekend.”

He looked at me, his eyes hot as coals. “Kathleen, if you go to Oxford this is over. Because you always pick him. I am annoyed you’ve been seeing him. But this is me saying I want to fix us. And you’ve got to make a decision. I won’t be playing ping pong with this guy. You choose.”

Big, ugly, sad, pathetic tears welled up in my eyes. I was having a hard time controlling my breathing. Mark was right. I was being unfair. I’d been unfair this whole time. Picking a fight about his dad, running back to Kenny, telling him I’d wait it out. “I don’t deserve you.” I cried in the most lackluster tone. “But I want you. So much.”

By this point, I had caused a huge scene. People were looking. But oddly, I wasn’t embarrassed. Mark picked me up out of my chair and walked me to a secluded, densely overgrown part of the academic quad. I sat on the grass still sobbing. He sat facing me. “Look, you’ve really pissed me off lately.” His voice was really serious. “But I think you’ve been acting out of fear. You’re scared and it made you want to act out. It makes sense. But look, if we’re going to do this again, no running out. No hiding feelings. No going back to fucking Kenny.” He gave me a nasty look on that one. “We’re adults. If it’s the last thing I do, I will make you act like one. Now, are you game?”

I couldn’t even say yes, so I just nodded emphatically. He got up on his knees, and hugged me tightly. “Okay, now seriously... we need to talk about a lot. You’re clearly upset now, so how about we go watch some TV in my room and we’ll talk about this when you feel better?”

I knew I’d lose my nerve if I got trapped up in his room, cuddling with him, being all cute and lovey. “No. We hash things out now. On the hard grass. While I’m grump and sad and pathetic and weird. Now or never.”

He smiled. “That’s my girl!” And we talked until my phone rang at 2pm. It was Kenny, undoubtedly asking when I was going to get in...